Living in faith forever

Faith. I've always had faith. Faith in the house I lived in. Faith in the car I was driving. Faith in the couch I was sitting on. Faith in the tv I watched. Faith in the money I got. Faith in the airplane that flew me across the ocean. Faith in the busdriver who drove me through the mountains. Faith in my teachers. Faith in my parents. Faith in my brother. Faith in my friends. I've always had faith. Faith in everything outside of myself. But I never really thought about faith. It was just a word I used to make someone else have faith in themselves. "I have faith in you, you can do this!" Faith never really had a meaning to me. Now I know that faith is not just a word. It is a feeling. The first time that faith became a feeling was when I got sober. I was devastaded. I didn't have faith anymore. Not even in the things outside of myself. Even the alcohol lost my faith. When i decided to get sober, something inside of me started to burn. Something inside of me knew that life wasn't over yet. Something inside of me knew it was all gonna be fine. That something was faith. That faith was God. Faith is something that lives deep inside of me. Something that is greater than my fears. Something that is brider than my darkness. Something that is bigger than my ego. Something that is more beautiful than the most beautiful person on this world. Faith is not just something. It is also a place. A magical fairylike place deep inside of me where the campfire always burns. Where the lights are always on. Where the door is always open. Where it's always warm and cosy. Where the bed is always made, ready for me to sleep in. This place, called faith, is always waiting for me. Welcoming me with a smile, a warm hug and a cup of hot chocolate. Always providing me with fresh air. Asking me to stay there. Asking me to live there. For ever. And I always decide to go. To return to the place where there is no campfire. Where the lights are never on. Where the door is locked. Where the heating has been broken for years. Where there is no bed. Only the ground to sleep on. This place, called the ego, doesn't really want me there. Welcoming me with hate. Screaming at me. Taking away my breathing space. Not even asking me to stay. It just assumes that I do. And I do. I always stay. Until the words are to painful. Until the screams are to loud. Until there is no more oxygen. Until there is no fiber left in my body that has faith. Then I return. Always to leave again. To return to the place where the ground is hard, but familiar. Where the words are painful, but predictable. Where there is no light, but my eyes are used to the darkness. Where there is no room to breathe, but the will to do so is not there either. Where the door is locked, but that does feel safe. Until it doesn't. And now it doesn't. I wanna live in faith. Forever. ✨ 

-Dieuwke