The authentic me

I always did what society wanted me to do. I always did what people expected me to do. I did what I learned to do. Did what was the most common thing to do. I always did what I thought was normal. If I had something I couldn't declare, I'd go to the doctor. If I had struggles with life, I'd go to the psychologist. If I had pain I would take painkillers. If I had some kind of problem, I desperately searched for some kind of solution outside of myself. For some kind of help from somebody or something other than me. I searched for the quickest way to fix it. The quickest way to fit in again. The quickest way to go back to normal. I fooled myself by telling it was what I wanted to do. By convincing myself that this is the way it should be. I fooled myself by convicing myself I did it for me. Thinking it was what I wanted. Thinking it was what I needed. Little did I know, I never really did it for me. I never did it for the real me. The authentic me. I did it for the me who wanted to fit in. The me who wanted to be normal. The me who didn't want to stand out. The me who wanted to be liked. To be loved. To be accepted. The me who thought being authentic was a sin. I did it for the me who was seriously convinced that being authentic meant to be a failure. That being real meant to be abandoned. That being the one who I've always wanted to be meant that the world around me would collapse. That the world around me would crash down. Until I discovered that real me. That side of me who is authentic. It is the part where there is no me who is afraid to not fit in. No me who is afraid to not be normal. It is the part in me who dreams. Who hopes. Who manifests. That intuition that's telling me which way to go. Which choise to make. Which path to take. That fire that always burns. That light that's full with trust. With faith. With courage. I discovered the part where all the answers are. The part that doesn't need a psychologist. That doesn't need painkillers. That doesn't need a fix. It is the fix. Not the fix I always thought it was. It is even better than that. This part gives me signs when I'm doing something I'm not supposed to do. It give me signs when I'm not where I'm supposed to be. And so, that part of me gives me the opportunity to live a life full with happiness. Full with peace. It gives me the opportunity to live a life specially designed for me. A life that perfectly fits. It's like wearing jeans that are exactly the right size. Jeans that are so comfortable you never wanna take them off. Jeans that seem to have been made for you. I never ever again wanna wear jeans that are two sizes too small. I never ever wanna do something that is not meant for me to do. Something that doesn't feel right. I never ever again wanna live a life that's not mine to live. A life that's not designed for me. I doesn't matter what it takes, it doesn't matter what I have to do; I'm gonna live my life. My life that perfectly fits the authentic me.

-Dieuwke