The dark light of the soul

Darkness is a scary thing. It is the feeling of a heavy blanket wrapped around me. Around my body. Over my head. Falling in front of my eyes. Ensures that I can't see anything. The feeling of intense sadness. Intense pain. Like I'm losing everything I ever cared about. Like I'm dying. If I drown in darkness it takes away the light. The light that was once so clear, just disappears. Like it was never there. If I drown in darkness it takes away my hope. The feeling that it gets better. It takes away my trust. The knowledge that I'm taking care of. If I drown in darkness it makes sure that I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. If I drown in darkness it will become my death. Drowning disbalances me. Drowning takes away my connection with God. Everytime I try to wrestle myself out of this darkness it turns tighter around me. Making it impossible to move. To breathe. To look. To feel. To speak. Everytime I try to run from it, it sucks me deeper in. Everytime I try to fight it, it gets worse. Everytime I try to fight the darkness, it gets darker. Everytime I drown in darkness, I become the darkness. This becoming makes it impossible to stay afloat. But if I surrender to the darkness, this darkness becomes an opportunity. If I sit in the darkness, feel the darkness, be with the darkness, it suddenly becomes a period of letting go. Letting go of who I thought I was. Suddenly darkness prepares me for who I'm gonna be. It makes room for who I've always been. If I trust darkness, it makes room for an even brighter light. A light filled with love. Love that flows through my entire body. It makes it possible to love myself. Care for myself. Be with myself. Darkness takes away everything from the outside, to help me find the light on the inside. It takes everything and gives me my authentic self in return. And suddenly darkness isn't that scary anymore, because it emerges with light. It is part of light. It becomes light. Therefore it is only through the darkness that the light can be found. ✨

-Dieuwke